读后续写写作逐句精讲讲义-2023届高三英语写作专项.docx

1、读后续写写作逐句精讲讲义-女儿的珍珠与父亲的爱读后续写阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。续写词数应为150左右Jennywas a pretty eight-year-old girl.One day when she and her mother were checking outat the grocery store, Jenny saw a plasticpearl necklace, by which she was totally defeated. How eagerly she wanted it! But when she saw the price

2、, her heart sank a little. She gathered up her courage and asked her mother if she would buy it for her. Her mother said, “Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I can buy you the necklace, but when we get home, we should make up a list of housework that you can do to pay

3、 for the necklace.” Jenny agreed immediately, feeling a burst of joy. So her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her housework determinedly and earnestly every day. Soon Jenny paid off the pearls.Jenny had a very lovingdaddy. When Jenny went tobed,he would read Jenny her favori

4、te story. One night when he finished the story, he said, “Jenny, do youloveme?” “Oh, yes, Daddy, you know I love you.” the little girl saiddelightedly, with a broad smile on her face. “Well, then,giveme your pearls.” Hearing that, Jenny froze there, an anxious expression twisting her face. “Oh! Dadd

5、y, not my pearls! But you can have Rosy, myfavoritedoll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. Okay?” “Oh no, darling, thats okay.” Her father brushed her cheek with akiss, gently and calmly. “Good night, little one.”A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her sto

6、ry, “Do you love me?” “Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you.” the little girl murmured softly, trying to escape from her fathers eyes. “Well, then, give me your pearls.” “Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She is my favorite.” The little girl begged.

7、 “No, thats okay,” her father said, smiling broadly and sweetly and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. “God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams.”Paragraph 1：Several days later, when Jennys father came in to read her story, Jennywas waiting anxiously for him on the bed.Paragraph 2：Holding the plast

8、ic pearl his daughter offered, the father dragged out a blue box.续写答案Paragraph 1：Several days later, when Jennys father came in to read her story, Jennywas waiting anxiously for him on the bed.“Would tonight be the night?” she looked fondly at a little pouch beside her pillow and thought. Then her f

9、ather started reading. With her mind preoccupied, she barely realized the story ended until her father popped the same questions. For the last few days, Jenny had been thinking about the question and made up her mind. Slowly taking out her beloved necklace from the pouch and handing it to her father

10、 with her trembling hands, she answered firmly, “Daddy, I love you more than my necklace”. A broad smile spread across the fathers face.Paragraph 2：Holding the plastic pearl his daughter offered, the father dragged out a blue box.Gently putting the box into Jennys now empty hands, he uttered, “This

11、one is for you, my love.” Jenny opened the box, peeked inside and then look up in disbelief at his father. What lay inside was a real pearl necklace, gleaming under the bedroom light. At that moment when Jennys tears began welling up, her father leaned over and brushed her rosy cheek with a soft kis

12、s, “Good night, little one. I love you more than anything.”续写精析Paragraph 1：Several days later, when Jennys father came in to read her story, Jennywas waiting anxiously for him on the bed.（首段剧情根据两段提示语决定首尾。首段提示语说，“几天后，当Jenny的父亲进来给她读故事时，Jenny正在焦急等待。”第二段提示语说，“握着女儿给她的项链，父亲拿出一个蓝色盒子。”从两句提示语，不难推断出Jenny应该是把自

13、己的项链给了父亲。首段情节和语言设计的重点在于：1. 什么时候给？2. 怎么给？回答这两个问题，需要先分析原文线索和Jenny的人物形象，设计出符合其特点的决定。什么时候给？原文提示，有两次是父亲会在讲完故事后，会问Jenny问题，此处也可以设置成讲完故事后。怎么给？举两例学员们习作中的思路。1. 1. 父亲问了问题后，Jenny继续寻找理由，结果父亲软磨硬泡，或者提前拿出后文那个小盒子进行诱惑，让Jenny和她交换，最终Jenny很不情愿地给了父亲。（真实写作剧情，并非杜撰）2.3. 2. Jenny主动给父亲项链，行文体现出Jenny的不舍，表达对父亲的爱。4.两者相比较，虽然前者在现实生

14、活中有其可能性，但这样写，难免违背续写遵循的故事设计原则，“隐恶扬善”，弘扬“真善美”。且前者也不符合原文的线索铺垫：1. 1. 材料中，父亲每次在问完问题被女儿拒绝后，情绪非常平稳，且会跟孩子说“没关系”，最后再给孩子一个晚安吻。这样的父亲不会“威逼利诱”。2. 体会一下父亲问的这组问题，“Do you love me?” “Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you.” the little girl murmured softly, trying to escape from her fathers eyes. “Well, then, give me your

15、 pearls.” “Oh, Daddy, not my pearls!”3.4. 2. 从一个爱女儿的父亲角度思考，其实父亲哪是要白要孩子的珍珠项链呢？父亲是想借此机会看女儿是否爱自己胜过项链以及给心爱的女儿一个惊喜。父亲对女儿的爱一定更深。5.6. 3. 在父亲进来前，女儿已经焦急等待。anxiously其实为Jenny的心理做了直接的提示。说明Jenny就如何决定已经经历了很多思考。只有让Jenny主动把项链给出，才体现出这个人物的成长。7.综上三个理由，Jenny应当是主动给父亲自己的项链。而首段剧情则通过突出小女孩的内心挣扎，来对比强化Jenny对父亲的爱。下面进入分句精析。“Wou

16、ld tonight be the night?” she looked fondly at a little pouch beside her pillow and thought.（为了体现小女孩心理的煎熬和挣扎，贴合原文，我从首句开始铺垫。父亲尚未开始讲故事，Jenny便开始思考这个问题，说明这件事一直放在她的心上。一句looked fondly at a little pouch beside her pillow也非常巧妙。Pouch里是什么呢？聪明的读者从fondly就可以推断出是Jenny的项链，但为什么她会放在把项链摘下来放在口袋里呢？其实这里就给后文人物选择埋下伏笔，增强阅读

17、乐趣。小女孩项链已经摘下来，说明她一定下定了决心。这句话同样也在体现人物内心的挣扎。原文提示Jenny是尽心劳动才换取的这一串项链，对她来说价值非凡到足以两次为它拒绝父亲的请求。所以即便最终决定放弃，心里也一定充满不舍。一个fondly依恋地(with affection or liking)，将Jenny的心理清晰勾勒。人物内心的冲突，可以通过描写矛盾的心理/动作/环境，运用对比手法进行凸显。此处Jenny枕边的小包和依依不舍的眼神便是第一组对比。）Then her father started reading.（体现出时间的流动性。和原文父亲进来讲故事逻辑衔接。）With her mind

18、 preoccupied, she barely realized the story ended until her father popped the same questions.（读者的阅读乐趣来自于逻辑推理。如果所有的信息作者都摆在明面上，读者会觉得无趣。而此时，一如既往，Jenny的父亲进来给她读故事，并且原文提示过，她的父亲读的都是her favorite stories,但此时的Jenny心神被完全占据（preoccupied清新准确），却几乎没有意识到故事的结束。Jenny的心理虽然作者没有明示，但其内心的挣扎已尽在不言中。此为第二组对比。用父亲popped the same

19、 questions避免语言重复，已经在原文重复过两次的问题，读者心知肚明。）For the last few days, Jenny had been thinking about the question and made up her mind.（行胜于言。续写中让读者自行去推理人物的心理和决定带来的阅读乐趣远大于作者直接说。这句话承接续写第一句，铺垫下方人物选择。For the last few days和原文提示语several days later相呼应。）Slowly taking out her beloved necklace from the pouch and handi

20、ng it to her father with her trembling hands, she answered firmly, “Daddy, I love you more than my necklace”.（注意一下这几处用词，slowly, beloved, trembling hands, firmly.虽然已经下定决心，但真要把项链给出还是让孩子心理很煎熬。所以她“慢慢地”将这个她“心爱”的项链取出，用“颤抖着的手”将它递给父亲。但即便如此，Jenny依然坚定地把项链递给父亲。通过前半部分强化Jenny对项链的“爱”，如果这么爱的项链为了父亲都可以放弃，那么Jenny该有多爱

21、自己的父亲？此为第三组对比。这组对比不仅体现出人物内心的抉择，更突出Jenny对父亲的爱有多么深。“Daddy, I love you more than my necklace”.这个回答直指父亲问题的本质，点出本文“爱”的主题。）A broad smile spread across the fathers face.（拿到项链的父亲，脸上露出标志性的大大的笑容。短短一个微表情描写，既体现了人物的心理，也让人物互动性得以增强，没有人物在故事中沦为背景板。第一段的续写精析至此结束。）Paragraph 2：Holding the plastic pearl his daughter offe

22、red, the father dragged out a blue box.Gently putting the box into Jennys now empty hands, he uttered, “This one is for you, my love.”（这段话涉及到多处呼应点。1. Gently，用于形容父亲动作的副词。原文中有这么一句话，“Her father brushed her cheek with akiss, gently and calmly. “Good night, little one.”所以此处gently属于和原文语言风格一致，且维持了原文的慈父形象。2

23、. Now empty hands。女儿刚把项链给了父亲，所以她的手自然是空空如也。当父亲把这串项链放到她手中时，我当然可以简单地说，“put the box into her hands”,但加一个now empty的定语，则让文本和上一段情节呼应，让文本逻辑更严密。3. This one is for you.父亲给了女儿这个盒子，他会说什么？此处这句话和女儿上一段的行为呼应，女儿给了父亲项链，那么父亲的这一个礼物也送给你。）4.Jenny opened the box, peeked inside and then look up in disbelief at his father.（

24、江南园林的设计有一重叫，“移步换景”，在相对有限的空间里，通过对观赏者视线的遮挡和限制，给观赏者不断的小惊喜。此处情节设计我才用了类似的技法。与其让Jenny直接打开项链，看到里面是什么，我只是让她瞥了一眼，然后抬头，用不可置信的目光看着父亲。动作和微表情描写，让小女孩的形象跃然纸上。in disbelief呼应前文Jenny放弃项链的不舍，此时骤然看见父亲的礼物，被震惊了，心理变化符合逻辑。读者的好奇心瞬间被勾起来，到底是什么？What lay inside was a real pearl necklace, gleaming under the bedroom light.（根据首段结尾

25、，Jenny已经将项链主动给了父亲。第二段提示语说，“手中拿着这个女儿给的塑料项链，父亲拿出了一个蓝色的盒子。”一个蓝色的盒子，感觉上很像是珠宝。珠宝千千万，Necklace项链，Bracelet手镯，Earring耳环，Ring戒指，Brooch胸针，Pendant吊坠，Tiara冠，Hairpin发夹，那么拿出来的会是什么呢？比方说，如果父亲拿出来一个漂亮的手镯行不行？当然可以。但与原文呼应吗？原文其实对于父亲拿出的珠宝早有铺垫。在首段，作者这样描写Jenny的珍珠项链，“Jenny saw a plasticpearl necklace, by which she was totally

26、 defeated.”第二段提示语说，“Holding the plastic pearl his daughter offered”。这两段描写都强调了这串项链的一个特质，“plastic塑料的”。所以当父亲看见孩子如此喜欢这串珍珠项链，并且在女儿将其万分不舍地给了自己后，父亲拿出的盒子里会是什么呢？答案只有一个：一串真的珍珠项链，串起原文的铺垫，女儿的喜欢，和父亲对女儿的爱。这是情节设计的呼应，也是慈父人物形象的呼应。一个爱女儿的父亲怎么舍得夺走女儿所爱？（在之前“您的艰辛，我懂了”这篇文章中，也有一个类似的情节设计，未读过的读者，可以过去看看。此处仅摘一句“常见的续写误区之一，就是角色做

27、出了在前文没有线索铺垫的举动，无中生有。”）明确了父亲的礼物是真的珍珠项链后，还有一个写作的点，怎么体现出珍珠项链之“真”？难道一个genuine就可以吗？前文提到，这个故事的场景发生在Jenny的卧室中。所以我设计了一个画面“gleaming under the bedroom light.项链在卧室灯光下闪耀着光芒”。在与原文环境呼应的同时，珠光宝气溢出纸面。）At that moment when Jennys tears began welling up, her father leaned over and brushed her rosy cheek with a soft kis

28、s, “Good night, little one. I love you more than anything.”（本片结尾，我才用了人物微表情和语言相结合的方式。看到这串项链，女儿终于懂了父亲的用心，所以眼中蓄起泪珠。那么父亲做何动作呢？原文中有对父亲两次道晚安时动作和语言的描写：1. “Her father brushed her cheek with akiss, gently and calmly. “Good night, little one.”；2. “smiling broadly and sweetly andbrushed her cheek again with a kiss. “God bless you,little one. Sweet dreams.”。所以我在这里不仅让父亲的举动呼应原文，语言上“little one”也和原文父亲称呼女儿的昵称相匹配。父亲所说的第二句话“i love you more than anything”点出了文章的主题，同时和首段结尾女儿所说的“Daddy, I love you more than my necklace”相呼应，再次点明“爱”主题。“女儿对父亲的爱”，“父亲对女儿的爱”在两段独立存在，却在结尾交相辉映。至此所有线索都映照，伏笔都收束，全文完。）